Don’t Be A Hater

I really love that word, “hater.”  I can’t think of a more simple yet accurate way to describe the intensity of emotion underneath the things people sometimes say.  There are two parts to this – the hater, who makes the cutting remark, and the responder, who usually says something like, “Don’t be a hater.”

What exactly is the hater responding to?  Is it really about the other person or event?  It reminds me of something I learned while studying holistic healing and how inner dialogue works.  Everyone carries mental and emotional conditioning, some of it conscious and some of it not.  When the heat is turned up, and we are annoyed or upset with something or someone, we often react out of that conditioning.  Sometimes, we turn into haters.

Urban Dictionary’s definition (that got the most votes) says:

“A person that simply cannot be happy for another person’s success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person. Hating, the result of being a hater, is not exactly jealousy. The hater doesn’t really want to be the person he or she hates, rather the hater wants to knock someone else down a notch.”

What if a hater is not really hating the flaw they see in others as much as they are hating on that same flaw in themselves??  This is the old idea of “projection” in action, where you distance yourself from the things you don’t like about you by “seeing” them in others.  As long as you stay a hater, you don’t have to take responsibility for your own life, feelings, successes or failures.

Why would a hater be interested in “knocking someone down a notch?”  The payoff is getting to feel good about staying small – after all, a hater would not want to BE that other person, because then they would be the one being hated on!

I’ll confess, I too, have been a hater at times.  But when I’m willing to look in the mirror and see where those same traits live in me, the whole thing changes.  Sometimes I find out that I too can be annoying, holier than thou, or whatever I was hating on, and I find ways to be more of the person I’d rather be instead.

Sometimes it’s just that I have buried some other emotion, like fear.  If I knock down someone else who is more successful than I am, I get to stay in my comfort zone; I am choosing not to play the biggest game I possibly can.  If I don’t go for it full-on, I can’t fail, and I get to keep all kinds of stories going about why I can’t bring my gifts to the world just yet.

Sometimes, haters are not hating others; they’re busy hating on themselves.  Psychologists call it “negative self-talk,” or “self-sabotage” but whatever you call it, it does a world of damage.  It starts with thoughts like “this bad stuff always happens to me,” or ” why can’t I just make a decision?” and starts to snowball into more and more painful thoughts that go to the core of who we believe ourselves to be.  From “you idiot, what were you thinking?’ it eventually ends in ” I am not good enough; I am not worthy; I am not enough; I will end up alone.”

Heavy stuff?  It is.  The good news is, there are ways to turn this negative self-talk around.  It starts with awareness – with noticing that you are hating on yourself.  Once you catch yourself, you can choose a tool that works for you to turn this around.  I have found or created many different ways to do this, but for now I’m posting 1 of them below.  Next time you find yourself being a hater, give it a try, and let me know how things turn out!

“Though a man should conquer a thousand times a thousand men in battle, He who conquers himself is the greatest warrior.” –Yagyu Munenori

Jujitsu: “the art of flexible adaptation,” jujitsu requires the ability to yield or flow with an attack

Hater Jujitsu #1:

As soon as you become aware that you are listening to your “little voices” as Blair Singer calls them in his book Little Voice Mastery,  say out loud “Cancel!”  Ask yourself, “is it true? ”

Without judging the voice as either bad or good, ask, “Is this voice taking me closer to who I want to be, or farther away?  Is it making me feel better about myself, or worse?”  Next, replace the negative thought with something that rings true for you, not a mindless affirmation.

For example, if you are beating yourself up over not getting anything done today, don’t say “I am now getting everything on my list finished” because you will set off the NEXT little voice -”Ha! you are not – you got nothing done today…”

Instead, say something like “I give myself permission to make a fresh start now,” or, ” I am more than the results I produce.”  Take a couple of deep breaths and imagine how it would feel to believe this.  Feel that feeling as best you can, and stay with it for at least 1 minute.  That’s it.  The more you practice, the easier it gets.  Rinse, Lather and Repeat